Stepmother Thoughts

I've been a stepmother now for a little over 2 months. Certainly it has been an adjustment. I was fortunate enough to have spent a lot of time with Josh & Caleb on our own before my marriage. I'd taken care of them for whole weekends because of Kenn's work schedule. We had a pretty solid foundation, and I was perhaps a bit too confident about the ease of the adjustment.

It was an adjustment becoming a full time stepmom. Of course it was an adjustment. Writing it out seems so silly, like duh, everyone knows this. And I did know it on one level. Experiencing the change from you are responsible to and for yourself to you are responsible for 2 children and to them is rather daunting however. The weight of knowing that I help shape who my boys will grow up to be is not as heavy as I imagined. Make no mistakes, it is heavy; it is not crushing, though, as I've often heard.

Instead, it is pervasive, always there.

When I mess up, and I feel as though I mess up all the time, the voice in my head telling me I just screwed up? It is not yelling. It speaks quietly, firmly. It is worse that way. I am not proud of some of the ways I've handled disagreements, negotiations, and discipline. I have said no too many times. Honestly, last week I felt as though I'd made a huge mistake, interferring in these boys' lives, as though they'd be better without me.

And then this week happened, and I came through the major adjustment period, finally cutting through the fog. This is natural for me. I have a cycle that I go through with any major life change. The first couple of weeks I am happy, I am dealing. Then slowly, the hard things seem more like hard things, and I struggle. It is worst right before it lifts. I don't know why I have this cycle; honestly, I'm not looking to know right now. I have been through it going to Budapest, coming home from Budapest, moving to the apartment with friends, moving back home. To a lesser extent, getting married was that way, which is another post.

But back to the point. This week happened. And I feel more natural. These children are mine, though they are not mine, and I am not surprised by that anymore. I am not surprised by how little privacy I have anymore. And I can say yes more. I want to say yes to lots of little, unimportant things so the no's I will have to say carry some importance.

I have to be now who I want them to be later. I have to be thankful. I have to be considerate of others. I have to be selfless. I have to be devoted to God. I have to be generous. I have to be a hundred other things, and it is not only for me that I have to be those things. It is for them.

It is for Josh and Caleb, who cleaned up the living room for me before I got home yesterday. Where did they learn that sort of kindness? I want them to keep it. I don't know where they learned it, but I can return it. I can return it by doing their laundry and cooking their meals with a happy heart. They are chores, yes, but they are chores that can be used as gifts.

It is time to wrap up these ramblings. Most people have nine months to prepare for being a parent. I had time as well, but no one really tells you how to prepare for suddenly being a parent of an 8 year old and a 6 year old. When babies are born, they begin inside the mother, and a piece of them always remains. Josh and Caleb, you were never inside of me, and you are not biologically mine. I am not your mother; you have one whom you love. But you are in me now, and I will never lose that. I am your stepmother, and we love each other, but I don't know how a stepmother loves differently than a mother. Because, to me, you are mine. You two, your dad, and me? Not a mistake.

Been A Long Time Gone

So, I've been gone for awhile, and it is certainly time for an update, as my friend Leo helpfully reminded me. I've thought about posting several times but haven't because of one thing. I'm getting married May 31st. And planning the ceremony and reception, while not quite the HUGE ORDEAL it's stereotyped to be, does occupy a large portion of what's going on with me right now. So, I've refrained from posting because I can just picture all four or five you reading and saying, "I don't care about your hunt for a red guestbook! What is with THE FOOD?" Answer: shrimp and grits, candy buffet, appetizers, etc. Guestbook still not acquired.

In other news, I have decided to become that crazy lady who never pays full price for anything. You know, the lady who shows up to some social function or such carrying a really cute bag, and you compliment her on it, to which her response is some frenzied version of "ON SALE! A BILLION PERCENT OFF! FREE SHIPPING!" I would like to be like her, only less shouty. So, warning, I may occassionally do the blog drive-by like "khaki cloth napkins, seventy cents apiece at Kohl's." (True story.) Any other bargain hunters should check out Want Not, a blog that is all about what is on sale where. I thought that this new....all right, obsession would make me all spendy, but I've actually been resisting more impulses to buy things. I actually needed a new blanket-- I got one for $5, free shipping (GLOATING). I have a pair of black shoes, a pair of brown, and a pair of tennis shoes. I honestly don't need anything else. I have two great bags, so no spending unnecessarily because it's so pretty, and also on sale! (Though I am tempted, believe you me, at times.)

And now it's time for the random list segment of the blog!

1. Movies seen in 2008 (at the theater): Juno, The Bucket List, The Legend of the Water Horse
2. Days till Season 4 of Lost starts: 7!
3. Kenn and I have to decided to host our own awards show, The Kacis. More details will be forthcoming.
4. I procured a phone from Ebay that had not previously been dropped into a cup of Coke. My brother, in related news, inherited a cell phone that had previously been dropped into a cup of Coke. I went all fancy (five years ago) and won an old Blackberry. I bought it a new battery just in case. I love it. It is blue, so technically it is a Blueberry.
5. Sherry has left NGU. I am quite sad

I have something new!

It's best to tell this in a short series of photos (ok, 2 photos).

First,

Forgive the crazy look in my eyes. Fake smile hazard.

Later...

Pretty!

So...

I have a job interview tomorrow at a university library. I'm totally qualified, and I REALLY need it. So, thoughts and prayers tomorrow. 3:30.

Two in as many days?

Yes, it's true. It's another blog from me. This one is also mostly pictures, but take what you can get, you know? These are from Laura Beth and Joe's wedding on April 9th. Before you see the photos, though, do know that they got engaged, planned and pulled off a wedding in 3 weeks. Three. And no, it wasn't a shotgun wedding. His father is in the armed forces and is being sent overseas for a good while, so they went ahead and got married so his father could be there. So yes, this is the absolutely gorgeous three week wedding, in pictorial form.

I also got to see some old college friends, most importantly my senior year girls. It was really good to see everybody, even though we didn't really get to chat and catch up a lot.

And there's one of me and the bride for good measure. I think we look cute. Anyway, the Burfitt is no longer the Burfitt. She is now the Cuyar. Yay!

At least it hasn't been a month...

Again, sorry about that lack of updating. But! I have recently have some event filled weekends, and, as such, some pictures and blogs for you to enjoy! First up is my trip to Charleston for Heather's birthday. I went down with her from Thursday to Saturday, which wasn't long enough, but you make do with what you have. Friday was Ms. Hizzle's birthday, so we got up and ready and, after a quick stop at the Target, we were off to the beach.

I cannot begin to describe how good it felt to be on the beach. I hadn't been in a long time, and though the water was a little cold for swimming, we got to stand in it, jumping waves and kicking up water and generally having WAY too much fun (if there is such a thing). Perfect weather too, with a lovely little breeze. We almost fell asleep there, but there was more fun to be had (shopping, Jack's Cosmic Dogs, Ms. Pac-Man, and cute Citadel boys doing their parade for Heather's birthday). Sadly, I do not have pictures of those, but I will leave you with this really cute picture of the birthday girl.

Actually, I won't because Blogger won't upload it for me. Anyway, it was lovely and fun, and we basically looked so good, and you're totally jealous you weren't there. Or something.

OK, OK

IMG_8095e
Originally uploaded by mollymolly.

So for those of you who took bets, I should officially announce it. I gave notice at the airport restaurant Wednesday. Yeah, that's a week. Yeah, I'm awesome. There were a bunch of reasons why I didn't stay, but the most important is that I HATE IT. With the fire of 1000 suns even. So I'm still looking for a part time job, but I managed to earn March's car payment while I was at the place not to be named from here on.



Oh, and those of you who lost? Pay up. Be cool.

Wow, it's been three weeks, huh?

So even though it's been the better part of a month, I'm not going to post a long, in-depth entry completely updating you on my doings and such. What I will say is this: quit my job, had another car accident (this one, technically my fault), finished my first semester of grad school (4.0, if you want to know), Christmas, 3 movies in one week (Narnia, y'all), and plenty watching of this:

My First Wreck

DSC04152
Originally uploaded by sigue:).

So I was in an accident Saturday evening-- but I'm fine. Here's the story:

My brother and I are driving along to Zaxby's in Simpsonville, so as to avoid the traffic on Woodruff Rd, though usually we frequent that one. Anyway, Fairview Rd. or St (can't remember)is a four lane road, fairly active with the cars and whatnot. Anyway, we switch to the right hand lane to go around a 96 Ford that is creeping along. We stop at a red light, and I'm looking across the street at a gas station, jamming a little to the music, when I hear a crash type noise behind me. I check my rearview mirror and find that the 96 Ford has hit a car in the left lane and is swerving into my lane. It is inevitable that she will hit me at speeds of about 15-20 mph. That doesn't sound like a lot, and it isn't, really, but I'm completely stopped, so it's jarring, a bit. Anyway, I look away from my rearview mirror because I don't want to watch my car get hit.

We get out, and I'm already aware that my car probably has little damage and is certainly drivable. My brother is already on his cell talking to my parents; the other lady who's been hit is already on her cell to the police. I am...doing nothing because that's all I know to do in this situation. I look in at the driver and passengers in the car that was at fault, and the driver looks...a bit off. She's not well; something happened in that car. I should've asked if everyone in there was okay, but I didn't. I didn't even think to until the other lady who'd been hit did. The police were on their way.

They come, two cars of them. The driver of the at fault car had a seizure while driving, so we call for medical assistance. Well, the police do. A fire truck shows up, then an ambulance or two. It's a bit of a blur because I've never been in this situation before. I'm just praying that the seizure lady is alright. And, if I'm honest, thinking about all the insurance stuff to deal with.

We sit in my car because it's gotten dark and it's cold and the police told us to do so. The ambulance takes away the lady who'd had seizures (I know names; I just don't think it's appropriate to share them on my blog). I sign a green form with everyone's information on it, am informed to send that to my insurance company and have them send it in within 15 days, and leave. I have moved, acted, and reacted on autopilot.

I'm so grateful that it wasn't a bad wreck because it wasn't. It's just my back bumper that's messed up and maybe my rear wheel alignment. My brother and I were both fine physically; no scratches. I just had a headache for awhile, as I'd hit my head on the car ceiling(?) while wearing a baseball hat. It was one step up from a fender bender. God was gracious, and I'm completely thankful.

I Wear Too Many Masks

And I'm taking a couple off right now.

1. I call myself a political Independent, but I'm probably more Democrat than Republican. I'm more liberal than conservative. Sorry folks.

2. I'm not in a Southern Baptist church because my beliefs and theirs coincide the most. I'm in that church because I like that church and believe that God has something for me to do there right now (the college ministry). I might be a Presbyterian. I might be non-denominational. I'm probably emergent. I'm at least evangelical, not fundamentalist.

So, there you go. It is what it is. I was talking to Heather B. last night about this stuff and a bunch of other stuff as well, and I told her that 16, even 18 year old me would be AGHAST at what I just said. It's kinda funny to imagine a conversation between 18 year old me and 23 year old me.

18- Wait! I'm, like, a Democrat? But, but I'm a Christian!
23- Yeah. AND more Democrat than Republican. Look, you don't believe that abortion is a-ok suddenly. It's more about social justice and fiscal stuff.
18- But...
23- *suddenly starts screwing with 18* You don't believe in a pretribulation rapture anymore either. AND you're not dispensationalist, not that you know what that means yet.
18- What? People don't believe in a pretribulation rapture?
23- Yep. 'Specially YOU!
18- I don't...But that's wrong!
23- Oh yeah? Why?
18- Because it is!
23- *Laughs mischievously* You drink socially!
18- SHUT UP! I DO NOT!
23- You're going to see RENT the movie! It has gay people in it!
18- No!
23- Yep. And you have several gay and lesbian friends.
18- But. I mean, that's wrong.
23- Let me help you. You're about to say they're sinners.
18- Well. They are!
23- Yeah, they are. So're you. And your friends? Not saved yet. They're doing what they're supposed to be doing--sinning! And you, as a Christian? You sin a bunch still.
18- This is a lot to process.
23- Yeah. I know. Man, five years changes a lot. But, you'll be happy to know that you're still wicked awesome.
18- Well that's good. Hey, am I married?
23- No.
18- Oh, come on!
28- Well, you won't believe what happens after you're 23....

So that's what I envision a conversation with my 18 year old self to be like. It's pretty funny to me because man! I was an arrogant little something. And self-righteous. I was totally missing some of the stuff I was being taught (because this wasn't an indictment of how I grew up and the theology and doctrine I was taught). Think about, though. I mean, if we could meet ourselves at 18 or at 15 or whenever, what would we tell ourselves? Would we like ourselves? It's interesting.

Happy Ween of Hallow!

tongue pumpkin
Originally uploaded by Blinvisible27.

Or Harvest Day, if you're so inclined. I plan on celebrating by leaving work at 4:30 and thoroughly NOT going to class because my Human Growth and Development class is the most boring class I've ever had. I'm actually not exaggerating here.

But anyway, I'm picking up a pizza for my mom and me as my dad and brother are out of town. Then, for the first time in my life, I shall answer the door for trick-or-treaters and give them candy! I'm excited.

You know, I've done about 85% of my Christmas shopping. 85%! This is grand. On the Day after Thanksgiving (Black Friday), I will still go shopping, though. I love it--the energy of the morning, the people who take it too far, the fact that when we leave at 1 or so, we've been going at it for at least 7 hours. That's a work day, people.

Yesterday was Homecoming at my church. I had a lot of fun. Heather and I double plated it (so what?) and everyone ate outside of the lawn (in chairs and at tables). It was such a gorgeous day. We talked for awhile to Tricia McWilliams and her dad, Jim, the fruit of which was the saying "Too many compliments! You're old!" (A long story involving a conversation between Tricia and Heather. Basically, you say it after you've complimented someone alot. Trust me, that's all you need.)

Jim, to us three girls all around 23 years old: You're in the prime of your lives! You're young. You're catches! You're delights, all of you."
(A silence...becoming awkward...)
Staci: Too many compliments! You're old!

You see how it works. Spread it around! It's obviously already part of my repertoire.

Saturday, Heather and I cleaned out my books because I was running out of room. It was...hard but not as hard as I'd originally thought. Probably because I could talk it out with Heather. Maybe tomorrow I'll post a list of ones I'm planning to give away to see if anyone wants them. I also cleaned out my movies, but mainly I just got rid of VHS and made a list of ones I wanted to replace. Also, I will once again receive The Princess Bride for free! People just keep ending up with 2 copies, and I swoop right in there with my no copies and even up the score. So yay Princess Bride DVD!

I think that's it. I'm even having trouble following my thoughts today. So, congrats if you made it through this rambling, not what you might call coherent entry.